Saturday, April 17, 2010

Everything will be OK

So much to do... so little time to do it in...

I am currently working on a video that will be played at my Grandmother's memorial service in two weeks. I didn't get nearly the response I thought I would when I requested photographs of Grandma... But, I'll make do with what I have and honor my Grandma :)

My current stress level is adding to my health problems, according to my doctor. I need to let at least one of my commitments go... But what to cut? They are all vitally important to me. I think I have figured out a way to alleviate some stress, but it is just in the thinking stage at this point... Next week will bring the answers that I seek, at least about my options to reduce my stress level.

I am feverishly working on my school work... To get caught up again from this past week and to prepare for when I will be traveling and unable to work on my school assignments in depth... Yes, I know, this is just adding to my stress...

The next time I see my husband will be in Seattle (I hope) on our way to Colorado for the memorial service. Rather than come home first, we decided that he would jumpseat from ANC to SEA directly. This option allows him to work a day longer than I wanted him to, but whatever. It will be nice to travel with him to Denver, where we will then drive to southern Colorado for the family onslaught.

I haven't seen my immediate family in all one place for almost 10 years. My older brother is in the military and he and his family live on the east coast. The rest of my family is scattered in the Rockies. It will be nice to see everyone again.

I am already starting to get anxious about it. I share the same anxiety for crowds that my Grandma had. She would definitely NOT enjoy everyone getting together... Oh, she would love seeing everyone, but she would feel overwhelmed at the sheer number of people... I can relate... In addition to the anxiety I will feel at the Memorial service, I will be just as anxious flying. We had to buy a ticket for me to fly to Denver, and most of the seats were taken... I am sitting in the middle seat most of the way... This is not good... The middle seat is where I get the most anxious on a plane... Maybe I should start practicing my meditative breathing now, in preparation?

I've been contemplating my behavior lately... I think I am still grieving my Grandmother... Ever since her death, I haven't slept well. I haven't been able to concentrate as much for school. My appetite has been up and down... I find myself having depressive episodes, where I get extremely lethargic and apathetic. Or I get extremely moody and lash out at others. I am making a conscious effort to control this behavior, ever since I first noticed it. But it is difficult. At times, I want to say "Screw you guys! I'm going home!" (said in my best Cartman impression). Even as I write this, I want to go curl up in bed, pull the covers over my head, and forget about everything... Forget about my commitments for school, forget about taking my dog for a walk, forget about cleaning my house, forget about my responsibilities at work, etc... As you can tell, I am currently in a dark place right now... But I look out the window and see blue skies (a rarity here) and I smile... That smile warms my heart and reminds me to breathe... Everything will be OK.

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